In the last few weeks, I’ve been obsessively obsessed with Carol S. Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (How We Can Learn to Fulfill Our Potential). In less than 250 pages, Dr. Dweck explained how people fall in one of two categories: those with a fixed mindset and those with a growth mindset. 

What is a fixed mindset?

People with a fixed mindset believe their “qualities are carved in stone” which “creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. A fixed mindset makes you feel you have to make others believe you are someone you aren’t and can do things you really cannot do.

What is a growth mindset?

On the other side of the coin are people with a growth mindset, which is “based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts”. While we all have varying intelligence and personality, people with a growth mindset believe “everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”

If you’re anything like me, you probably read about the two mindset categories and automatically thought you belonged in the growth mindset group. Who wants to claim having a fixed mindset? No one. However, we all may have fallen for this belief. And what’s more concerning is our mindsets affect and shape the minds of our children. Have you ever said any of the following:

You are so smart.

That is so easy for you. Keep it up!

You did a great job because you didn’t make any mistakes!

You are way more talented than (fill in a name).

You may think you’re encouraging a child when you make these statements, but you may be pushing him/her to shy away from challenges. When you give someone with a fixed mindset a positive label (think- words of praise), they’re afraid of losing it. I mean think about it—if someone already thinks you’re smart do you want to give them any reason to say otherwise? We know many adults who succumb to these feelings so imagine what’s going through the mind of a ten year old. But how can we avoid providing the wrong type of praise to children while also encouraging them to strive for greatness? Here’s what Dr. Dweck teaches us:

1. Focus on development and effort, not intelligence. People form mindsets at a young age, and interactions with adults greatly shape whether a child will have a fixed or growth mindset. In middle school when I made mistakes in math, my teachers told me I wasn’t good at it. Eventually, I started to believe them and stopped trying. By the time I met a math teacher who had a different perspective (and teaching method), I had already been telling myself for years I would not excel in that subject. When a child does well at something, praise him/her by acknowledging their work ethic, homework completion, and study habits. (Tweet this!) When a child does well without those things, push him/her to self-reflect on how they could have done better had they worked harder. If a child struggles, we can praise the effort and still center the conversation on what needs to be practiced more and what the child did well.

2. Practice providing constructive criticism. Many parents and teachers struggle with allowing children to experience failure. When failure occurs, adults want to soften the blow by making a child feel better or by placing the blame on someone else. We live in a world where everyone wants to get a ribbon, but children need to know this is not reality. Tell children the truth, and then teach them what steps to take to succeed. The more you protect children from constructive criticism, the more you harm their future.

3. Assess your own mindset. According to Dr. Dweck’s study, kids who’ve already developed a fixed mindset say they feel judged by their parents. As parents and teachers, we have to check our own language when talking to children. If, as an adult, you see mistakes as an inherently negative trait then the children you interact with will pick up on your messaging. Mistakes are an opportunity to teach, not judge. Everything is a learning process.

Ultimately, we can praise children, but it must be the right kind of praise.